Over the past few years, we’ve all started to hear more and more about terms that weren’t used before. All of us have at some point been accused of microaggressions or prejudices that we did not even know existed before. Passive-aggressive phrases are another of those evils that we are now discovering.
To put ourselves in context, a microaggression or passive-aggressive phrase is not necessarily something we say with the intention of offending. They are phrases that we say to resolve a conflict that we want to avoid, end an uncomfortable conversation or ask something of someone we do not trust too much. We have all used them and we know what they are about.
These phrases are unproductive, harmful and frustrating for those who say them and for those who listen to them. You should know them in order to avoid them as much as possible.
10 passive-aggressive phrases to avoid
1. “Good”
“Good”, “okay”, “very good” or however you use it. This phrase always has a hidden meaning: that things really are not right, but that the disagreement between the two people is long, tedious or difficult to resolve and that we simply do not want to worry about fixing things.
Sometimes it is okay to say that things are fine, if we really don’t give them more importance, but if it becomes a catchphrase that we drop every time a problem arises, then nothing is right and what we really want is to avoid resolving our conflicts. .
2. “Don’t worry”
Similar to the previous example, saying “don’t worry” too much simply means that things didn’t quite work out, but that we prefer to quickly flick the page first rather than trying to resolve any lingering grudges.
The problem with this phrase is that a very long succession of “don’t worry” can end in an explosion, causing us to argue again in a discussion of the present about things that were not resolved well in the past. This does not allow us to move forward and breaks relationships.
3. “If you really don’t care …”
If you have ever said or heard this phrase, it is clear that one of the people is not committed to an idea that the other has proposed.
If this phrase is very present in your daily life, you may want to think about the type of relationship you are establishing with other people. Clearly, one of you can feel overwhelmed without the other knowing and without both of you wanting to admit it. Again, stop saying it and start communicating for real.
4. “Thanks in advance”
“Thanks in advance” sound like a nice way to ask for a favor or demand something we deserve, but don’t be fooled: those who use them excessively want to convey more to us than just their thanks.
From personal experience, we all understand that this phrase can mean disappointment. We can use it to ask a favor from someone who is untrained or inconsistent. Deep down, what we mean by it is that we expect the other person to hurry up and not let us down.
5. “I was surprised / confused that you …”
When he tells us that he was surprised or confused by something about us that is clearly neither surprising nor confusing, what he is doing is trying to make up a bit of what is coming, because he feels that we are going to be offended.
These phrases are usually used for two purposes: either to try to get information about something very personal from us, or to criticize us without feeling too direct .
If you are one of those who use it, why not look for a more direct and friendly way to let others know how you feel about them?
6. “I’m not upset”
This is a phrase that, unfortunately, is heard a lot in long-term relationships. We are so culturally convinced that good relationships are those in which nobody bothers, that we end up pretending that nothing bothers us. In the end we don’t have relationships with people, but with characters.
Whenever something is bothering you, face it and be upfront about it. This attitude is much more polite and productive than simply wanting to put everything under the rug.
7. “Anyway” or “it doesn’t matter”
Do you remember the “good” from the beginning? Well, “whatever” or “I don’t care” are his first cousins, and they are surely much more rude.
These types of phrases, of course, are used to end an uncomfortable conflict or conversation . They are much more harmful than a simple “good”, because while saying that something is good we imply that at least we want to forget the matter, the “whatever” is a tacit statement that things ended, but they did not end well and we don’t want to remedy it.
8. “So …”
This is a simple word, but one that usually precedes longer awkward sentences. It is used, of course, to imply that we are worried about something, but that we do not want to create a frontal conflict over it.
It is a favorite of anxious people. Those kinds of people who say: “So, are we going to the movies today?”; “So, are you going to help me with work?” Anxiety is not good, and neither is this way of showing it.
9. “I was wondering if …”
We have all been guilty at some point of using this phrase, but only when it is used against us do we realize how disgusting it can be.
The problem with this phrase is that when we hear it we can feel that they want to manipulate us. An example: “I was wondering if you would stop by my work later. I have something to do and it would help me if… ”.
As you can see, it is an unsubtle way of asking for a favor . If you are one of those who use it frequently, you may have already noticed that people are no longer available to you.
10. “I was just joking with you”
It is normal that sometimes they tell us a joke and we do not understand it, or that someone tries to be funny with us and it does not turn out well. In these cases, we can understand that they clarify that it was only a joke. However, there are times when they tell us to hide a microaggression .
People who use this passive-aggressive phrase often do so to mask their criticism. You take something you dislike about someone, infuse it with some sarcasm, blurt it out head-on in some opportune situation, and then say, “I was just joking with you.” But no one laughs, and you have criticized someone in a bad way instead of telling them upfront what you dislike. Please, if that’s your case, stop doing it.
Reference
- Rampton, J. 12 passive-aggressive phrases you should never use. For Business Insider. [Revised October 2018].
